You’re out of your element

“Donny, you’re out of your element!”

This is one of the best movie lines of all time. It’s from The Big Lebowski, when Jeff, Walter, and Donny are bowling together. Jeff is ranting to Walter about some unfortunate recent events, and Donny attempts to join the conversation, but his severe inattentiveness is no match for the pace of Jeff and Walter’s banter. Donny’s just… not quite there. He’s in his head, you could say. In fact, this is the essence of Donny’s character. He’s the most reserved of the three friends, perpetually in some liminal, perhaps ADHD-induced state of being out-of-the-loop.

I can’t help but wonder if, at some point in Donny’s past, he was at 100% of his ability to attentively socialize. Maybe Donny was once the life of the party. If so, what had to happen for Donny to turn out so perpetually confused? After some daydreaming, I realized that this kind of transformation doesn't seem implausible.

My mind jumps to think about when these transitions have occurred for me.

I was “in my element” the summer when quarantine restrictions started being lifted in 2021, and a few in-person summer programs started opening up. I remember being more social that summer than I’d ever been in my life, and surprisingly, much more productive as well. In recent memory, I’ve felt the most in-my element working at SpaceX. For the first time in a while, every decision I made truly contributed toward a tangible outcome. I was luckily placed on a team of individuals that were as kind as they were talented and driven. I was creating something real with a group of people that cared just as much as I did. By coincidence, I was interning at the same time as my closest friend from high school—who, now that I think about it, was often quite out of his element until he discovered the world of mechanical design through our robotics team.

Crucially, these mental states of being in- or out-of-elements are transient. Someone might be a completely different person in one environment versus another. I’m convinced that these transitions occur significantly more often than most people believe.

There are a few important takeaways from this phenomenon. The first is to always aim to be in the environment in which you will be the most “in your element.” We’re at the single time in history in which there is the widest variety of communities, organizations, movements, etc—so, in theory, it should be easier than ever to find one’s “scene.” Yet, most people I know aren’t truly in their element; they choose to reside in a place of stability, a state of going with whatever seems to happen around them.

Second, in situations where the environment can’t be changed easily (e.g. where my family lives, where my friends are, what school I go to), it is of utmost importance to work toward the internal state of being “in one’s element”—i.e. finding the best possible bridge between someone’s static internal values and the reality of the world around them.

A year ago, the need to alleviate my insomnia prompted me to dive into the world of meditation. After overcoming many of my sleep problems, I’ve begun to embrace the level of focus in daily life that mindfulness offers. Through this process, I am aiming to develop the ability to be “in my element” in virtually any environment. Interestingly, this shift can often be effected by a surprisingly minor shift in perspective.

Finally,—and most critically—this understanding of transient mental states carries to interactions with others. It’s tempting to dismiss people after a bad first impression, or to judge others by a limited sample size of behavior. Yet it’s vital to see people for the full spectrum of who they may be rather than just the single color that is on display at some given moment.